I should not exist. I think I may have said this before. Forgive me. I think about it often. I should not exist because had my older brother been born full-term, my conception would have been impossible.
Or – I should not exist because, fifty years later, it has been revealed that my mother’s partner misunderstood my mother’s wishes when she moved to London, aged 19 years. Neither of them wanted to leave each other. They should simply have stayed together. Then I would not exist.
I am struggling to exist. Another job rejection last week. Beyond July, I have no reason for existing. I am supposed to work, work, work. If I cannot work, I am nothing. Whatever else happens I must not stop working. But I have no desire to work at anything anymore. None of it matters. None of it counts for anything. Being ranked fifth of twelve means nothing if there are only two jobs available. I don’t want to exist if I can’t work. What’s the point?
I fight the suicidality. Persuade a tired mind and a restless body to go to Scotland as planned. To go to Lyonnesse And it is the same, but it has changed, changed with the seasons, and grown and become more Godly. And I am welcomed and loved. And there is simple joy in pink campion and wild garlic and the amiable, quiet company of a friend. I am not expected to talk mindlessly: I am simply invited to be.
I sleep. Full, glorious, restful sleep. And I consider the sparrows. There are so many colours in the wings of a sparrow, so much detail. I breathe. I go to church, where the challenges are affirmed as challenges that help us to do like Christ. Only through doing like Christ can we hope to be like Him.
And Christ was, to my understanding, honest to Himself. Honest with His emotion, weeping and anger, and with His needs, for water, solitude, company, and prayer. Honest with His parents and friends. So my challenge is to be honest to myself. To be real, and face rejection, whilst hoping for acceptance, as I express more of who I am. I fear being rejected. Rejection feels like I should not exist anymore. I need to find the courage to stand up for who I am, in Christ.