Let all that is unforgiven in you be released; let all that is unlived in you be lived, with grace.
So preached Rev. Prof. Mark Williams, just over a year ago, at the conclusion to his service that day.
Then, I was literally and psychologically in the middle of the therapeutic community work I was doing. I was mired in self-loathing and unemployment and general overwhelm of uselessness and futility and hopelessness. My personality, God-given or otherwise, was disordered. I was fundamentally ***** up. I was never going to be forgiven. I was never going to be brave enough to live my truth. I was angry.
A year later, I can see that I was fundamentally wrong. Not in being angry. Nor in needing to process the trauma that led to a personality disorder. But in the belief that a blessing would immediately come to fruition.
Because, a year later, I am *living* . A lot of the things that I desperately wanted then, I now have. I have a full-time job that suits me down to the ground. I started when I saw the tapestried words on this banner. They jarred with what I am used to seeing in a church. Now, I am seeking membership of that church. And I have a partner who allows me to be and to grow into the person God is forming me to be. I am not hiding anymore. Rather, I am affirmed by her and through her.
Forgiveness is harder. Forgiving myself. The hardest relationship I have is with myself. Not allowing me to beat myself with internalised homophobia. Or with feelings of worthlessness if work doesn’t get done as I planned is hard work.
This week, over five years after first setting foot in it, six months after leaving the therapeutic community, I am to be discharged from the service. Cut loose. Released to the assurance that I am able to set my own boundaries and stick with them.
I am scared I may fall. I need to trust that the God who has released me will catch me, as She has before. Will set me free again, and again, and again.