I hate the way you move

Since starting in the TC, I have addressed my caffeine addiction, reduced the lengths that I swim. I’ve also increased the healthfulness of my eating. I even cook for myself most days (in a world where ‘cooking’ is a loose term and veggie fingers are cordon-bleu cuisine).

I have made positive lifestyle changes, and I should feel good about them, but I do not. I compare myself with others instead. I am not good enough.

When I am swimming, I am not swimming well enough. Or evenly enough. I can barely vary my stroke, and I get out of breath too easily. I slow people down in the lane.

And I don’t run, or do any other form of exercise. Other people are running half-marathons, and cycling to and from work, walking to and from town. My physio. has forbidden running. That’s how all the problems with my knee started; a knee that collapses on itself when I run; that sends me to the ground. I walk 12 000 steps or more a day. But it isn’t enough. I want to be running.

I get the bus to most places. But I can cycle – I have a bike, I could cycle. Why don’t I unlock my rusting bike and cycle? I should drive places, too, not accept lifts. I can drive. And my mother has changed her car again – and laughed off the suggestion I should have her old one. That is a privilege apparently reserved only for my brother. I try to placate myself with the environmental reasons for not driving; for not needing to drive here. But they don’t work anymore. Others are driving. I want to drive again, too.

Other friends Go Ape! or spend weekends rock climbing or dancing, or kayaking, and I am no good at those things either. My body is stupid, and spastic and I hate it.

My peers are fitter than me, and move around more easily and more independently, without being stared at as they do. And this is probably jealousy again. But whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good or helpful, and I don’t want to feel like it anymore. But I don’t see a time when I will ever like the way I move.

This entry was posted in disability, mental health, mental illness, reasoning and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I hate the way you move

  1. Pingback: Time for Grace | Discovering Faith (and Doubt and Hope) in Christ

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