A shorter and earlier post this week. One to note that I am heading for Taizé, so won’t post again for a while. To stop, and reflect on what I am taking with me, what I want to leave behind, and on the spaces between.
Foremost, right now, a question of discernment. This last week has not been easy. I had a ‘good leaving’ from my current contract; lunch, drinks, a card, utterly hilarious and apt gifts, and I am truly grateful.
At the same time, not revealing how I really feel has cost. Three days of (mostly hiding) solid panic, folding under the stress of an impossible workload that should have been done by now, and intermittent uncontrollable crying – keeping that behind smiles and laughter has worn me down. The question – whether I return to academia, or leave it and the devastating effects its corruption and competitiveness has had on me, time and again, behind. Move on to working more directly at grassroots, where I have felt fulfilled and real, when I am ready to return to full-time work.
Questions surrounding prison visits and contact, where the quandary of last week still rules. And other, more personal questions, around the work I am doing in the therapeutic community, the work I will do there over the next 12 months. So many questions to take, to lay down.
To trust. To trust, when just as with so many trips to Taizé, the questions are unanswered, the future very unstable, uncertain. To trust when I feel completely broken. To trust, because I am going to Taizé. Because God is possibility.