Pathetic. And stupid and desperately disappointed. I was offered a job interview for today. Somewhere different. Somewhere I’d not be known, MH difficulties or otherwise. And I’ve turned it down.
I’ve turned it down because it was a full-time job, a fair commute away, not teaching in my field, and…. I can’t take on that kind of workload whilst I’m in therapy. Before we’ve even gone as far as the logistics of I could only get in to university two days a week, despite that you’re paying full-time hours. Research work is flexible – teaching, less so. I can’t build my career whilst I am in therapy. Keep it afloat, maybe, but not build it.
I have to rewrite my story. The academic research life of bullying and homophobia and discrimination and prejudice, of bystander non-intervention, is masking the emotional work I need to do to deal with my lived experience of these things. When I’ve done the work, processed what happened, then I can return. Once – I thought it would be impossible to return – but it wouldn’t be, the staff say, it will be easier work when I’ve processed it properly.
There are other things, too, of course. Things that preceded and led from the research topics. My parents’ emotional rubbish and non-availability and arguing; my willingness to stay in an abusive relationship; the fact that I am socially inept; constantly desire to shred to ribbons. Guilt. Shame. Anger. Anxiety. These things will be addressed.
Rewriting is hard. It hurts, more than cutting words on a page. Editing, proofing. Re-drafting. Not of words on a page – of my life. God – please write on me. Help me hurt. Help me re-draft and heal, find work again.