Healing Steps

Be still for the power of the Lord
Is moving in this place
He comes to cleanse and heal
To minister his grace
No work too hard for him, in peace receive from him.
Be still for the power of the Lord
Is moving in this place.

So we sang at Two:23 yesterday. One of those songs that I can sing without the words; where the words are in danger of becoming stale and without meaning, because voice can engage without mind.

But this week, more than usual, I have been cognisant of healing; of being on a healing journey. Cognisant, because, without the direct support of the TC, on a therapy break, and with all that has been going on, it has been **** hard.

Hardest perhaps, more clearing out; my mother visiting, more verbal reminders of how out of line my childhood tantrums were. The straw that crumpled the camel, being not what she said, but a Facebook video I saw later that day, reminding me of Black Park Country Park. The assault course, the hanging steps, where I would tantrum in frustration every time, despite every promise and intention not to. I really wanted not to. But I couldn’t.

IMG_1155

Same as, sat in church, that church, yesterday, looking at my hands, I remember the frustration, aged four, of not being able to unfurl my fingers from their fist, to clasp them together in prayer. That was how we were taught to pray. And I couldn’t do it. That wasn’t supposed to matter, in my case. But it did to me. And if I can’t let go of frustration from that long ago, how am I to heal? How, when something as simple as clapping arouses my frustration and jealousy, even now?

Yet, there was promise this week of moving forward. The Elders have written and apologised for the hurt that I experienced whilst they wrestled with how to deal with my mental health. And, I didn’t fall apart in the discussion of it , for the first time ever (thanks to the support of a very good friend). I feel more supported, and stronger than I was before. The Elder said that they won’t treat anyone as they dealt with me, ever again. And that is the important thing.

As I pack more and more boxes, I get to know my future housemates better, and it seems more and more likely that this will be OK, that it might help me to heal.

I am on a healing journey. And I am seeing God’s kindness in the people I meet on it. And I am still stumbling. My self-harm contract broken again earlier this week. But, nothing is too hard for God, or beyond healing. It will be OK.

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This entry was posted in church, faith, forgiveness, mental health, mental illness, prayer, trust and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Healing Steps

  1. I sense a new day:

    ‘Weeping may linger for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.’

    Much love. xxx

    Like

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