Cocooned in duvet last night, for the first time in a long time, is liminality. Prayer. Silent tears, and sleepfulness. I have made it.
I’ve done a full week at work, in a new post. I have risen before the sun, to a four-hour commute, to cross London each morning, I have been productive, and traveled home again. I have met new colleagues, and old, been re-united with my book and paper collection, determined my teaching responsibilities, and returned home, long after sunset, to bed. This week, I have worked. I am employed, and employable. I have, to my knowledge, shown no sign of mental illness at work. Last time my workplace was “informed”, I was written off. They must not know. Now, as I leave the house each morning, I feel far from all the rubbish. I am professional. I am good at my job. I can do this. I am wanted, and I belong. The sunflowers are out on campus, and there is a rainbow over the fields on the coach journey. I smile.
And, as I feel this way, I wonder why I am bothering with the part of me that does not feel well. Why I am staying in Ox., when I have received no help from mental health services in the past four weeks, despite requesting it repeatedly. Why I am staying, when, without that support, I managed alone. Why I don’t just forget that I am ill, remove myself from the therapeutic waiting lists, stop all medication, and get on with life.
The reason – because I am not well. Tossing and turning in bed this morning, I wish myself dead. Die, die, dead. I should die because I am rubbish, and a fraud, and no one wants me around. Or so the voices in my head now say. That’s why I haven’t spoken to anyone I know this weekend. Why text messages are unanswered. Why I am alone.
As I keep the different parts of me physically and emotionally distant from one another, they are growing wild in their extremities; the one totally fine, the other definitely not. And I am none of them, and I am both of them. Maybe neither of them is real. Maybe I don’t exist anymore. I dare not exist in the spaces in between.
God, help me to resolve the distance.