No Direction?

But all  [those opportunities] could just have been coincidences

direction– one of my church home group, this week, as I try to explain how looking back, I believe that God has placed me where God wants me,  career-wise, as things have fallen into place; how I am trying (and struggling) to trust that this time around, God has something in mind for me, too. But I have to be patient. As I try to explain why, for me, what job to apply for is a spiritual question. As we read Nouwen’s text, Spiritual Direction.

This person, when questioned by another group member, says that she has never known God guiding her to a certain place – even as she looks back.

Why do you believe that God is guiding you?

she asks, and laughs. And inwardly, I crumble. I feel like I have re-wound five years, and am back, talking to an incredulous partner, who is questioning my faith – ridiculing my faith. Because there are no coincidences,  I think. Outwardly, I stammer my way through that verse in Jeremiah.

I swallow hard. Fight back tears. I am torn. Torn apart, partly because those kind of challenges shake me. They always did – and I wasn’t expecting that challenge, not from home group. But I am also torn because, if those career options were coincidences, if God is not in control, I am well and truly screwed. I am clinging to the belief that God has something in mind, knows what is going on, knows what is best for me. Holds me. I can’t live without that belief. Without it, there is no hope. Please, tell me it is true.

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