Pieces of Paradox

Has anyone ever prayed over your leg before?  he asks.

Yes,  I say.  Yes, lots of people have. Was mostly just after I was born (my father: you should feel blessed to be able to use one arm and one leg; it’s because you were prayed for) but there are more recent examples, too. I don’t tell them this. I just say ‘yes’. I  don’t tell them that the splint relates to permenant physical disability, not temporary brokeness, either.

I am standing alone outside the bookshop in the centre of town, and these three students are on a mission. They have no banner, no identity; they have randomly approached me, on their way to church. I think about lecturing them on the “through the roof” story (it was the faith of his friends that mattered) or on the figurative nature of the healing stories; think about telling them to do one. But I’m tired, and yes seems like the path of least resistance.

throughroofThey pray for healing. They pray about a heaven where there are no damaged legs. I wonder how they know this (if I can’t keep my physical disability in heaven, I don’t want to go there). I thank them. They walk away. And later, un-stunning myself from the situation, (that hasn’t happened before) I reflect. They saw the splint. And, having seen it, they assumed my leg was broken; needed healing.

But it is already healed.  I cope with physical disability. I live on my own; I can ask for help when I need it; I accept the disability as part of me. I am whole. Just not obviously so.

At the same time, I am in need of healing. My disability isn’t the obvious one, isn’t the one that the students prayed over. The one I struggle with is much more crippling than my leg. Serious unmet need was the phrase the assessor used this afternoon. And although I do reach out for help sometimes, the needs are not met. I scare people away. But. But, I don’t know what those needs are. Or how to see that they are met.

I am stuck in a circular trap, and I am useless and horrid, and un-healed.  It would be better if I weren’t around, asking for help. I want to hurt myself.

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