So, the energy spark has morphed into negativity. It hasn’t died, but has spilt over into unarresting agitation and nervousness. I am verbally tic-ing constantly, rocking back and forth, unable to sit still.
It’s a comedown from yesterday, I think. People came to the cafe-church service, for sure. It went to plan, in timing and in content. Lots of new faces, too. And there were some positive comments afterwards, and a sense that some people enjoyed it. But that’s not what I’m agitating over. What’s stuck is the person who told me that;
I hope whatever they were doing on this table with charcoal was worth it for the mess they’ve made
The person who said at the end;
I couldn’t find the prayer tree, and that’s what I really wanted.
And the one who said;
I don’t know why I bother coming to church, just to drink coffee. It’s not worth it.
And in reply, I could say that they could have asked anyone where the prayer tree was – that the mess was just black dust on a plastic sheet, that she was under no obligation to wipe away, as I was doing it – and that [I hoped] we’d put more into the service than drinking coffee. Like the activity stations; stories, games, prayers. I could point myself to the positive comments, about breaking open a difficult topic [mental health] in a really accessible, positive way.
But those points aren’t what sticks. My mind is stupid, and ironically damaged, and it’s the negative ones that glue themselves to my
train circle of thought. And the absence of all but one of our families, and most Elders, at an all-age service. Why didn’t they come? They usually make an effort for all-age services.
I am worried that there was a negative impact somewhere along the line. Maybe most Elders, like the minister, want nothing to do with me. Maybe I’ll be voted out of the church, soon. I’m frightened that people didn’t like the service, and I’ll be asked to leave. I worry that I am hated.
The minister was right, when six months ago she claimed I am constantly in need of reassurance. I am panicking over yesterday. Worried about the consequences of it. Of having upset someone. And I’m still agitating now. Turning it over and over in my mind.
And the negative comments echo still.