A few years ago, not long after my baptism, a good friend quite wisely told me about God, that;
If you are ‘in tune’ with what He wants you to do in the humdrum, everyday things, you will be ready to go where He
wants you to go, wherever that might be…
And I tried prayer journals, and cards, and devotionals, and some it was useful. And then I discovered Taize, and that helped me feel genuinely at peace with God.
And yet. Yet, I lack the discipline of daily prayer. I will, when I remember, or someone else invites me to pray – I’ll certainly shoot arrow-prayers when I’m in trouble – but as a daily discipline – no. I’m not in habitual tune with God.
And now I am living very much outside the humdrum. Objectively, life is stressful. One person I thought I could trust, by virtue of their profession, proved me wrong, and affirmed my deepest fear of abandonment in the process. She describes me as “toxic”. Says she wants nothing to do with me. Her continued ostracism is making me steadily iller. All I want is “normal”.
In five months’ time I will have no job and no income. My parents, who haven’t seen each other for over two years, sold HMS Hopeless, on Tuesday, and want all my things sorted out before they set sail. There are memories on its decks I would really rather not re-visit.
Meanwhile, I am trying to teach, and do research whilst scoring in the severe range, among clinical populations, for mental distress and suicidality. I don’t bother to eat properly, and I can’t sleep properly.
As my parents get ready to move on with certainty, I have no direction. I don’t care anymore, where I’m washed up. I don’t know what God wants me to do with this stress, or where He wants me to go. So I sit here, and write, and rock back and forth. But I go nowhere.