I have been told categorically not to add anything extra to my work to-do list until I have gotten to the end of my current tasks. Yet my heart still leaps whenever someone asks me to do something else with them, or for them. I am sorely tempted to add to my list. I put off commitment, rather than saying no. I might be well enough in a few weeks’ time. It feels good to feel wanted, to feel useful.
At the other extreme, I have had two email accounts blacklisted by the crisis team, following my last meltdown a couple of weeks ago. So why, when I see email coming in from these accounts, am I raring to check them? I’ve been told in no uncertain terms not to read them, let alone to try and respond to them. But when they arrive, I imagine my responses: angry responses that I would never send. I seethe. I want to tell those people exactly what I think. But of course, I don’t. I bubble away to myself, instead. The email goes unanswered.
And, even though I have discovered that not having Facebook accessible on my phone (and not checking it) keeps me calm, I still feel the need to look at it every so often – see what’s going on – what I might be missing, which events have happened that I was left out of, whose opinions make me angry or upset.
The temptation towards feeling is over-powering. It’s almost as if I am driven to seek feeling – any feeling – anger and hurt and disappointment are fair game. But what kind of madwoman wants to feel that way, FFS?
Giving in to feeling is tiring. Resisting giving in to feeling is tiring. So I’m not sure which is best anymore. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle either way.