These days I am so very, very tired. I’m back at work, part-time, and sometimes find that I am sucking my thumb, and have been asleep at my desk. It happened again today.
I am sleeping; maybe not as much as I need to be, but I haven’t had a sleepless night all week. Exam scripts should take around five minutes to grade. Today, when I left the office, I’d managed 37 in six hours. To save you the hard maths, it should have taken half that. And I was completely spent.
I’ve been feeling low for the past couple of days. Thinking about how little I am managing, how slow I am. I’m less than no good to people at work (as others have had to take over some of my responsibilities). I’m not being helpful to the church. I feel like a burden to both work and church. Drain on resources. If I get help, I’ll be a drain on mental health services, too. I’m wondering whether I’ll ever be able to surmount the mental health rubbish. It feels unreachable from here.
And then there’s the Brownie promise. There was a Promise celebration yesterday. The promise used to be ‘to do your best….to love my God’. Now, it is …’to be true to myself’. I can’t do that. I don’t have the courage to be honest with myself, let alone with others. I don’t think I ever will have. And, Brownies aside, if I can’t be true to who God made me to be, what is the point of living? No point in living a lie, is there?
I’m rocking back and forth again; subconsciously trying to soothe myself. Can’t rid my mind of these thoughts. Was in my devotional reading today that Elijah had angels to look after him when he felt like giving up. It would be so easy just to give up. So little energy to fight. There must be angels looking after me, too.