As I journey through this illness, I am learning. One thing I have learnt is how differently I feel about myself when I am with friends who love me, and when I am alone. When I am with others, I can feel more assured of myself, have fun, sometimes even think that they might want to be with me. When they go, so does the self-assurance. Alone, I question my worth, whether they even wanted to be with me. Maybe it was a sense of duty. I worry about contacting them, in case what I say will make them hate me. Forget me. End the friendship.
Alone, my mood tumbles. But there’s a new calmness now. It feels like a storm has passed, leaving behind promise of hope. I can be still. And I can write. And in the stillness comes a different, steadfast assurance, I can have in prayer, even when alone. I am held. There is space to breathe now. Space away from busy-ness and agitation, when I can breathe deeply, and be. God is closer than breathing.
God whispers to me in the stillness. He lets me cry, He comforts. God is stronger than illness. It might not be easy, or painless, but I can get through this, and there is healing ahead. I am wanted by, and beloved of, God.