In the Breathing Spaces

As I journey through this illness, I am learning. One thing I have learnt is how differently I feel about myself when I am with friends who love me, and when I am alone. When I am with others, I can feel more assured of myself, have fun, sometimes even think that they might want to be with me. When they go, so does the self-assurance. Alone, I question my worth, whether they even wanted to be with me. Maybe it was a sense of duty. I worry about contacting them, in case what I say will make them hate me. Forget me. End the friendship.

Alone, my mood tumbles. But there’s a new calmness now. It feels like a storm has passed, leaving behind promise of hope. I can be still. And I can write. And in the stillness comes a different, steadfast assurance, I can have in prayer, even when alone. I am held. There is space to breathe now. Space away from busy-ness and agitation, when I can breathe deeply, and be. God  is closer than breathing.

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God whispers to me in the stillness. He lets me cry, He comforts. God is stronger than illness. It might not be easy, or painless, but I can get through this, and there is healing ahead. I am wanted by, and beloved of, God.

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