I was so angry and frustrated this Easter. What kind of Christian, what kind of freak, can attend an Easter service and not feel the joy within it that is so evident in everyone else? What kind of person can contemplate really painful stuff, and not *feel* anything at all? And yet at other times, and all within the space of minutes, be so overtaken with emotion that she is blind to all else? Who on Earth imagines deliberately hurting – has hurt – people who love them? I want to destroy that useless, worthless, no good person.
My brain wrestles with my state of mind. The utter foolishness that, try as I might, I have never been able to surmount. It seems like I never will. Why try?
As I wander aimlessly, I am again drawn to a church. Sitting in church I feel safe from myself. I sit and fidget. What’s the point in trying to pray? If I didn’t feel close to God on Easter Sunday, I simply won’t feel close to Him. What am I doing here? I don’t know. Because there is nothing else? No other hope. Can’t do this without God.
My mind falls silent. Not sure of what was said.
Just, be still.
I breathe more slowly; offer myself to God. Am still. Am calm, reassured. No matter what, I am reminded, God is in control.