I can hold on though my grip is weak, And I feel like I’m losing it all. I can go on when the road becomes steep, And I feel like I’m starting to fall. I can be brave – I’m held in the palm of Your hand, I can be brave – You’ve been there and You understand. Karen Money, I can be brave, Silent Call
On Friday night, I fall. I fall into tears that won’t stop, and despair that doesn’t lift. I feel everything that is bad. I know that this is irrational – that there is good – but I can’t remember any of it. The pain enshrouds me, and I just want it to end. That’s all. I want the pain to end, and it won’t stop. Dying would end it. I could die. I spend the night drifting between sleep and wakefulness, crying. The pain will not stop. It’s irrational, but I can’t stop it.
The morning is no different. I ring my ex-partner. He knows rationality. He’s seen me like this before. Apart from, he hasn’t. I haven’t been this low, and so overwhelmed by emotion before. He is good. He meets me, and talks to me, and helps me remember. He takes me to the Samaritans, and they help me remember, too. I am shattered. They help me realize that for all I’ve been through, whatever happens next, I can get through this, too.
The emotion has passed, and with it, the senselessness. It’s quiet around me and within me. I am not my feelings. My feelings are intense and frightening, but if I can weather them, they will pass. They will pass, and there will be peace. I can rest peacefully, in God, who has been there before. In Him, I can face the storms. God doesn’t let us go. I can be brave.