Over the past few days I’ve sunk into a low that matches the weather around me. Lows that are frightening in their intensity and desire for self-destruction. Lows where distraction is the only option left. Storms of blind anger at my ineptitude, and my inability to get my act together and do even the simplest things. I sit for hours and get nothing done. The anger fuses with the self-hatred. There is no point anymore. Let the students email. I don’t care about replying. Can’t be bothered with work.
I’m asked to see the psychiatrist. More assessment. More waiting. I feel like I am being spun round and round. I’m not dizzy, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck in this storm, and no one knows how to get me out of it. It feels like I’m spinning alone, and can’t grab the hands reaching out. I can’t be the only one to have been caught in this weather. Can I? I thought the Psychologist understood. I thought God had heard I’m scared and . I’m longing for calm.