Plumbing the Depths

Something strange happens when I  hit rock bottom. When I despise everything I do, because even what might appear good is fuelled by negative feeling. When negative feelings are so strong it seems that they are swallowing me whole with each new, unforgiving tide of emotion. When no matter how many times I am told that God loves me, I  know that those people who say that don’t  know the “real” me, and even if God can accept that person, I can’t. I  loathe that person, and that person can’t change who they are. I  won’t ever accept them. And when my life seems so meaningless, like it’s going nowhere, and there’s no way to change its course, or sort out past mistakes. No way I can be the person I’d long to be. No point.

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When that sense of nothingness takes over, all I can do is be in the moment.  I have to focus on that stitch I’m making right then (fighting thoughts of how rubbish the finished piece will be), listen to that note sounding right now, no matter what the overall sentiment of the song, read that word, there, not the whole sentence. Swim but that stroke. See just that child’s smile. Taste only that sip of coffee. I can enjoy things  when I live in the moment. I  rock back and forth. And  breathe, in and out, and again, in and out. I have to remind myself that all I have to decide is where to place my attention right now. God has the past and the future in hand. All I need focus on is now. I give all the rest to God. At rock bottom, I know completely that I am nothing, outside of right now, without God.

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