I really don’t get me. I don’t get why I am resolutely refusing to do something that would be so quick and so simple. I refuse to congratulate her. I feel rubbish that I will not, but that makes no difference. Let her think badly of me. To be honest, I doubt that she thinks of me at all.
My 23 year-old cousin, that is. My 23 year-old cousin who got engaged to her long-term boyfriend last weekend. As soon as I heard, bitterness and jealousy coursed through me again. I could sense it, rapidly taking over other thoughts and emotion, consuming me. I’m still bitter.
But, seriously, why? Why are weddings such a tipping point? Logically, it makes no sense. I know more friends who have ended engagements and marriages than stayed in them. Friends that are in them, are more often unhappy than not. I lived surrounded by the rubble of a deeply unhappy marriage, that had fallen apart before I’d even been born, for 28 years. It makes no sense to be jealous of someone potentially setting themselves up for that.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe in marriage, in a joyful, committed union between two people who love each other. I was devastated when three years into our relationship, my ex-partner suddenly announced a volte-face on his views on marriage, damning mine, as daft and damaged, and turning from apathetic to dead against.
I’m sad that I sense (and have sensed since childhood) that God’s plan for me seems not to involve committed relationship, even though that is what I think I would like. I jumped at the chance I had with my ex-partner, and clung to it for so long, because, prior to that, I didn’t believe that anyone would ever want a romantic relationship with me. Thought maybe I had God wrong.
If I were putting my life in God’s hands, trusting Him, I wouldn’t be worrying. I wouldn’t be so irrationally jealous, because what I have and will have is right for me. I don’t know what is right for me. Whatever it is, please God, help me not to be jealous of others, but to wait on You to show me.