Having spent the weekend with my mother and her partner, I am beginning to realize how much damage has been done to my relationship with my parents over the past few months. Last weekend, I struggled with my father’s future plans; this week, I struggled with my mother’s.
The weekend itself was OK. I went to her flat (with her partner’s knowledge) to surprise her for Mother’s Day, on Saturday evening, and my brother arrived (also unannounced to her, but not me) on Sunday. The problem was her ring. I noticed a while ago that she had taken off her wedding ring (which she never removed when I was living with her – ever). This weekend, she was wearing a different one. A Christmas present from her partner.
Apparently, I should be reassured by this – it isn’t that she is in a throw-away relationship. It does nothing to that effect, because she is still in the first twelve months of said relationship, known as the honeymoon period. And I hate it. But I can’t place why. There was something strange about seeing her left hand empty earlier this year. This was more than that. Maybe it was a confrontation with the reality of the relationship. But the relationship has solidity in other ways. This felt more like jealousy (which I’ve written about before) – like I was thinking about how with my partner for over five years, and he never bothered with anything like that, never made any kind of commitment to me: he positively shunned commitment, and anyone who bothered with it, or thought it a good idea (i.e., me).
I’d love it if I ended up in a committed relationship. I hope it’s what God wants for me, too.