Othello Act 3, scene 3, 165–171
Yes, my blood is coursing with jealousy at the moment. Ugly, full-blown jealousy. Came to a head last week when a university friend, who, having convinced herself she would never find a boyfriend, and having spent ages telling me this, got engaged to a man she met through a dating site, shy of twelve months ago.
So many of my friends are now married. They’ve (for the most part) had beautiful wedding ceremonies, where their friends have been bridesmaids, and nephews page boys.There’s an old saying isn’t there, “always the bridesmaid and never the bride”. Being a bride is a far-fetched dream, and I know is highly unlikely to happen. Ultimately, I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry.
But my saying should be “Hardly ever the guest, and never the bridesmaid”. I often end up on the ‘reserve list’ for a wedding. Second-rate friend. Or I’m not invited at all. I’ve travelled across the country before, simply to attend the church service. And everyone who gets married seems to have friends around them, to support them and bridesmaid for them. I’ve not got any friends who’ve asked me to bridesmaid. Most are married.
Those who marry seem to have sensible jobs and mortgages and homes where they can live together with their partner. As both of our contracts run out in October, and we are now scouring Europe for jobs, I’m wondering if I’ll ever get the chance to live with my partner.
I’m very jealous of those who marry and set up home. Mainly because of the opportunity they get to live together, and because of the photos that show the loving relationships, not so much between bride and groom, but between friends. I dream of being in a situation like that.
I’m bitter and jealous and twisted, because God doesn’t seem to want me to live with my partner, or have any meaningful role in friends’ weddings, and He feeds me so many stories of friends who do marry, and have fun together about it.