I have a real problem with jealousy. I’ve become more aware of it over the last couple of weeks but it’s pretty much always been there. It’s eating me from the inside and making my thoughts rotten and ugly, even if, outwardly, all seems fine.
I’m jealous of friendly people. People who can be the life and soul of any party; people who are confident and assertive; always seem to be on the ‘phone to friends, texting friends, or with friends.
Or colleagues, at least.
Friends isn’t so much the point, as is the fact that they can interact with others successfully, make conversation, laugh. I just sit there, desperate for a break to get in. People left alone with me at a party rapidly make excuses to get another drink, rather than face my awkwardness. I never know what to say.
I just envy people who can pair off and have a conversation. I want to be like them.But you made me me. And jealousy is wrong. But I desperately want to be more friendly, to belong; which isn’t an unGodly thing to want – is it?