Evening. Hard day. Wasted time. Spoken to no one. Again. Feel rubbish. I’m responsible for the way I feel, because it’s no one else’s fault. Must be something that I’m doing wrong that makes me feel this way. Makes me so lethargic, I can barely think.
So I cut. Make myself bleed. When I start, I want to cut and cut myself to ribbons. Penance for feeling so bad. Punishment to make me feel better. But it’s never enough. I get tired before I can do enough.
But it would never be enough. For me, it’s the easy route. The one that stops me confronting what’s really wrong. The difficult thing to do would be to go to God in prayer, and accept that He has paid, so that I don’t have to be punished. I’m scared to confront what’s wrong. That could hurt more. But it would be worth it in the end. But it would hurt.