Grace

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12, v.19

Someone (I forget who) once interpreted this verse to me, to mean that whatever we are asked to cope with, God will give us the resources to do so. It seems like a reasonable assumption to make, although I am open to alternatives. The rest of this post, however, rests on the notion that this assumption is true.

Because, if it is true, it is not true for me. I cannot cope anymore. I hate ‘coping’, I don’t see why I should, and I feel less and less able to do so.

My partner and I have spent five days together in the past three weeks. Five days when we have been able to see each other, hug each other, hold hands. Not talk to each other, really talk, since my parents were also around. So either talking is on the ‘phone, or shallow. And it’s not the same, and it’s not enough.

We can’t cope apart. I have no motivation to look after myself, or my flat. So I don’t eat properly, and live in squalor. My partner turns to all manner of illegal drugs to fill the time (since I am not around to calm him). Stimulants, cannabis, psychadelics, smoking. All so bad for him. All leading him into stupid amounts of debt.

So I spend more time, awake at night worrying about what he is doing, taking these drugs, alone, without a ‘babysitter’, and what he might do as a result. Worrying about who will pick up the pieces, worrying about the money he spends on the stuff. Worrying about the state of my work whilst I’m not concentrating on it properly. I don’t sleep properly. So I care even less about me.

God’s grace doesn’t seem sufficient for me (or for my partner, for that matter). What would happen if I asked for more? Would He give it to me? What is ‘grace’? I hate what I’m being asked to ‘cope’ with at the moment. And it really doesn’t feel like I’m coping at all.

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