The V-Word

I am at a scary time in my life at the moment. I know this, because my PhD supervisor referred to me as a “bona fide senior postgraduate” last week, and started talking about what may and may not come up at my v — , and how I can forsee the issues now. The nightmare is grounding itself in reality.

What’s more scary is what will come afterwards. Trying to get a job in a field where stringent cuts have been made. Where there are eighty applicants for every fellowship, in very specialized areas. Even a teaching job (especially a teaching job) will be like golddust when I get there. What if I can’t get a job at all? What will happen then, in that palimpsest of time between handing in and the v—–? I’ll go mad.

And then, what if I don’t pass the v—-?  I feel so unsure of my work when I try to explain how I do things to others. And there are *so* many flaws in it….

I’m so worried about what will happen next. I can’t stop worrying about it. I try to remember that God is in control, has a plan. But I want to know what the plan is now. Please God, help me to be more patient, and to trust you more.

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